Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
