ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
