I am in a vortex of obligation.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
