She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Randomize
