oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
