he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
