you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
