i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
