Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
