I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
