i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
is wine microwaveable?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
