What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
