Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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