My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
