her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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