It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
You work out of a Hotel?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
