The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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