You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize