69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
