i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
