before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
