you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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