he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
