You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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