while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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