I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
