I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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