Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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