bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
