i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
