worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
