Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
