I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
My vagina is officially offended.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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