Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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