I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
