you didnt know i had herpes?
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
