Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
