He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
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