not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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