I think I won the penis lottery.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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