Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
