My sheets look like a crime scene.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
