well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
