the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
