so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
