It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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