he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
