So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
now i know why i became what i already was.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
