He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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