I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
