you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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