dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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