Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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