I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
