I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
