Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Randomize
