moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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